“Remember, the tone with which you say something can determine whether you are heard. The person's brain is asking “are you for me or against me” -Dr. Henry Cloud
When we think about boundaries, most of us are emotionally immature about what kinds of boundaries we need to put in place, as well as how to communicate those in our own life. We don’t even know where to begin, so we wind up keeping those boundary ideas to ourselves, neglecting to ever implement lines that would protect our mental, physical, and emotional space. We as a culture tend to prioritize accommodating the needs of those around us, not realizing that what we really need to help our relationships flourish is healthy boundaries. Establishing necessary, healthy boundaries help those around us know how to behave and respond, ensuring everyone feels heard and validated. Simply put: boundaries protect what’s good and keep out the bad.
HOW BOUNDARIES ARE DEVELOPED
So how do boundaries even begin? Do they start in adulthood? Do they start when you begin to think about them?
According to several studies, boundaries start before we even recognize what they are. They form during infancy, when a baby begins to learn about his/her environment. The parental figures play a huge role in this during the first few formative years, helping a child establish and respect boundaries for themselves. Or conversely, failing to implement healthy boundaries that would protect the child with important, relevant limits to that particular age. The child will take cues and form an understanding of boundaries based on what the parents model, which will impact the adolescent years and adulthood as well. Those who grew up without a good role model for boundaries may obtain power over others. Traumatic homes feel out of control, over controlling, and can cause codependency issues with a lack of ability in knowing how to ask for what one needs.
As we develop, it becomes more difficult to see or set healthy boundaries. We can get caught in unhealthy patterns and habits that have taken root from a young age, making it much more challenging to change course. Even though it may be challenging, it’s not impossible. We can peel back the layers of how we approach boundaries, and begin to discover healthy ways of implementing new ones in our lives and relationships today.
HOW I USED TO PERCEIVE BOUNDARIES
The word “boundary” used to terrify me. Even the word made me squirm, kickstarting the guilt. I felt like the word meant letting people down. People I love. People I’m closest to. In my quest to “be open” I lacked personal boundaries, things that would’ve protected me and maintained a safe space to be fragile and vulnerable. The word “no” always felt like a word used when someone was in trouble, and so I went through childhood and adulthood unaware of how to even set boundaries. That catered to a lifestyle of placing everyone else’s needs in front of my own, which meant not staying true to myself. I didn’t understand the self-respect aspect of drawing lines that were firm and concrete; mine were about as resolute as a line in the sand.
What I didn’t realize until recently was that my lack of setting up boundaries wound up hurting not only myself, but my relationships. I saw it as not being compassionate, when in reality doing the hard thing would’ve protected me and those on the other side from a lot of heartache. Fear held me back -- the fear of hurting someone’s feelings or coming across as hateful instead of loving. It wasn’t until Johnny was in rehab that I realized these evil things called boundaries might be the only way to save a relationship.
WHEN IT ALL CHANGED
In navigating a relationship with an addict, you wind up having to set boundaries. I tried to be there for Johnny through everything, no matter what, but when he was kicked out of rehab and dropped off at a random Starbucks in California, I’d had enough.
I still loved him, I still wanted to do everything I could to help save him, but his therapist agreed that doing so this time would look like letting him be on his own. The therapist called right after Johnny did, warning me not to come back and get him.
“If you do, your son’s going to die,” she said. “You will lose him if you come and rescue him.” It took all of me to resist hopping on a plane and going to get him. But I knew protecting Johnny and quite possibly saving his life meant leaving him there.
I told him, “You better do exactly what they said so you can get back.” In other words: do what they say, because this time I’m not coming to help. He spent that following week in the county detox center, experiencing a lot of difficult trials there. Gang members, extreme violence, deep psychological issues surrounding the place. It wasn’t anything he’d experienced before, but he did it. And that was the wake-up call he needed to realize this wasn’t the way he wanted his life to be.
This was the first time I set a boundary and really stuck to it, firmly standing ground on my “no.” And while “no” is such a confrontational word that feels more than uncomfortable telling someone, I knew it was the greatest act of love I could give him.
These past few years, I’ve come to realize that boundaries are unnatural. They tend to step on people’s toes and hurt feelings. But intentionally seeking ways to protect and guard a relationship from potential harm is such a good, selfless thing, one that winds up helping all parties. Learning how to set boundaries doesn’t mean we don’t love those on the other side. If anything, it’s quite the opposite. Letting that truth resonate in me has been incredibly freeing, and a wonderful way of reinforcing the self-respect and confidence I have in myself.
THE IMPACT OF SETTING BOUNDARIES
When we set good, healthy boundaries, we’re essentially recognizing what we need and what our relationship needs to keep growing. Whether it’s safety in conflict or better communication in general, boundaries promote healthy love. They require ownership and responsibility for both party’s choices, reaffirming a lack of tolerance for disrespectful, destructive behavior. By imposing boundaries on this kind of toxic behavior, we communicate what we value: self-respect, safe love, and healthy connection. And in setting boundaries, we allow more space to be present with that truly matters -- we give ourselves room for emotional presence that makes us available to connect with those around us.
I must admit -- I’m not perfect at this. I’m still learning what boundaries are important, how to overcome the immediate guilt in establishing them, and what it means to enforce these on a regular basis. However, placing limits has given me the knowledge of how I want to be treated and what I will and will not tolerate. It’s given me more self-confidence as I stick up for myself, and it’s given me the humbling acceptance of respecting other people’s “nos.” I no longer take them personally, but appreciate the ways they’re intentionally setting limits in their own lives.
My encouragement is for us all to be vigilant listeners and firm boundary-setters. We need to prioritize healthy relationships that keep all parties accountable. It’s easy to try and avoid setting boundaries by avoiding, but push past the discomfort of confrontation and establish some healthy ground rules for your relationships. We can’t control how other people will respond, but we can control what we put up with and what we don’t. It’s time we start drawing lines in something a little bit more concrete than sand.
-Regina <3
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