My son would often say, “Mom, you’ll never understand."
Understanding addiction is next to impossible when you aren’t addicted, especially with a closed mind. We can do our best to dig into the research and build up our toolkits, but we will never truly know how it feels. In the beginning of Johnny’s addiction, my burning need to understand everything turned into the invalidation of his feelings. We often think we are capable of putting ourselves in others' shoes, forcing what WE would do onto our loved ones, believing our answers are the right ones. We rush to the rescue and fight for them in the name of love because if we don’t, who will?
Unfortunately, our desperate attempts to fix and save our loved ones keeps them sick. As I’ve discussed in the previous blogs, there are many misconceptions that surround addiction. It’s a complex disease and breaking free takes more than good intentions, a desperate parent, and a strong will. Recovery looks different for everyone, and there are many paths to the destination, but there is no quick fix. I had to learn this the hard way. The good news is, there are many resources to help guide us.
Families that haven't been touched with the disease of addiction, often aren't prepared with the tools and knowledge to fight back, and we were that family. Even today I struggle, and I still don’t have all of the answers, nor do I have a cure. But what I can give you are some of the resources and tools that help me daily. I feel passionate about sharing my experiences, in the hopes of giving what I have found to anyone that might need it. That passion ultimately drove Johnny and I to do something completely foreign and new we decided to write a memoir of our journey. We believe that even the deepest valleys we face can be used to inspire hope and ignite calling, which plays a big role in this book, and we can’t wait to share more with you all!
Below are some of my lifelines in learning about, and navigating through addiction:
#1. Community
For myself, I have found community to be the biggest resource of support. When yourself or someone you love deeply is going through the challenges of addiction, being open and honest with other human beings who are going through the same thing provides an immense feeling of support. We can choose to isolate or we can choose to connect with others and not go through pain alone. Also, the outlet to receive information from others who have been there helps equip you with the tools you will need to navigate through these rough waters.
#2. Al-Anon Meetings
Al-Anon meetings are a great source of community. This is where you can easily find people just like you, going through the same challenge of loving and supporting someone in addiction. These meetings hold a safe space where family and friends of addicts can go anonymously to gather support from a group. All you need to do is Google: "Al-Anon Meetings Near Me," and multiple option will appear.
In all honesty, Al-Anon wasn't my favorite resource. Maybe I didn't connect with my group, maybe I wasn't ready to open fully. This goes back to how everyone journey to healing and strength will be different. Everyone responds differently and I found myself enjoying some of the latter resources I list. However, many of my friends have found a great deal of support in these meetings and highly recommend them. My recommendation is to try all of these to see which best suits you.
AA/NA/ Ala-Anon meeting finders:
#3. Books and Videos
I found myself connecting to a lot of excellently written books. The words on the pages were perfectly articulated beats from my heart. I especially found these helpful in the early days when I was uneducated on addiction and couldn't find the words to describe how I was feeling. I have included a list with links to some of my favorites:
When Your Heart Belongs to an Addict: A Healing Perspective by Cyndee Rae Lutz
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz
The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery by Don Miguel Ruiz
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives by Pia Mellody
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
And soon, Johnny and I's book! Can't wait to share more!
Videos
Chris R. - AA Speaker - "Saving Our Lives" - and his entire playlist on Youtube!
#4. Exercise
Exercise has always been a huge part of my daily routine. Getting active is one of the best ways for the body to release natural endorphins and release stress. When dealing with things like trauma or addiction, the body goes into a fight or flight mode. Exerting yourself, and getting out all of that stagnant energy does wonders for your mind.
#5. Spirituality
Spirituality is another resource that may not be for everyone and that is okay. I am only here to tell you about my experience and what spirituality looks like to me. A big part of recovery is letting go of the illusion of control, and recognizing that there are powers way greater than ourselves. For me, my son's addiction paved a path back to having a relationship with my higher power, and trusting that everything was happening the way it was supposed to.
#6. Meditation & Mindfulness
“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to – alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person – you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.” – Eckhart Tolle
Meditation is a powerful technique with many health benefits including reducing stress and anxiety. It's easy for our minds to run wild, and get in patterns of doubt and worry. Creating space in our day to slow down and reground has helped me tremendously. Our thoughts hold so much power, and we often get into cycles of negativity that we aren't even aware of. We're always future tripping and thinking how we should of done things differently in the past, and it distracts us from the beautiful things in the present. We have power when we are calm and collected, we can see clearly and make the hard decisions that better our lives. Meditation is something we find in every culture throughout history, and even now the research shows how beneficial it is to our health. Wake up with the sun, sit in nature, and let go of the things out of our control.
Everything that we face in life has a lesson behind it, and there is meaning You are capable of accomplishing difficult things, and you will get through whatever you are facing. We can't control the past. We can't control the future. What we can do is control the present, right here and right now.
-Regina <3
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